Marie Jeanne Clarice....how she hates that name. It wasnt long before she started calling herself Joan. This was a name she thought sounded more normal. The joke was on her, because all her friends ended up calling her Tootsie. Tootsie grew up on the island of Montreal, in a city called Verdun. She led a pretty decent life, her dad worked on the railroad, her mom stayed home, as was typical in those days. When the depression hit, Tootsie never really suffered because of her wealthy aunts. She even ended up on a trip to the Worlds Fair in New York with her aunts. Being tall for those times at 5 foot 8 inches,and very slim, she was eventually spotted by a Broadway producer, who asked her to become a "showgirl". Of course her parents said that there was no way their daughter would become one of "those" women!

Eventually, Joan started teaching the one thing she loved...dancing. She taught at a Dance Studio, where she met her eventual sister-in-law, Anne. You see, Anne had a handsome Air Force pilot brother named Dave. They married, had 5 children, my 4 brothers and myself. Like so many marriages, theirs eventually broke up. Joan was left alone, with no job and still had 3 children living with her. She got a job with a brokerage firm and settled into her new life.

Music has always been in our home, my mother passed on her love for music to us. She spent time teaching my brothers friends how to dance for their proms and she has always been ready to try any kind of new dance. All of her children grew up and moved away, but mom kept on at her job, did a bit of travelling and retired at age 65.
A few years later, she began to notice little things and would mention them to me. "I can't remember where I put this, I can't remember where I am supposed to be going." She even said to me a few times, "I am sure that I am getting Alheimers." Of course I laughed it off because I didn't really believe that she had it. Joan ended up in a nursing home about 5 hours away from me, but thankfully with 2 of my brothers nearby. My mom isn't there anymore..there is a woman who sort of looks like her. A woman, who at times, just for a split second, is exactly like mom......but I have lost my mom. This Joan lives in a world of her own....a world that I am not allowed to enter. It is a cruel place, it has taken away my mother and won't let her out again. I hate this place called Alzheimers.

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These poems touched my heart
My sincerest thanks to Jerry Ham
for allowing me to post his beautiful words

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Mom, who do You see?

When you look at me Mom, who do you see?
Oh how I wish you could still talk to me.
The look in your eyes speaks of anger and fear.
What memory's so terrible it brings you to tears?
You turn your face, and you whisper dark threats.
It's easy to see that you worry and fret.
When you look at me Mom, who do you see?
In your far away world, just who could I be?
If just for a moment, I could break through the veil,
I would say that I love you, and I always will.
Why did this happen? Life's not always fair.
But Mom, God willing, I will always be there.
I guess there's no answers to what's bothering me.
I can't help but wonder Mom, who do you see?

� 1998, Jerry Ham

If Time could stop

If time could stop for just an hour,
Would it halt the wilting of this precious flower?
If time could stop for just a day,
Would it halt this loved one's wasting away?
If time could stop for just a year,
Would it somehow help to dry my tears?
Time stops for no one, I've heard it said.
But my heart says something else instead.
It cries, Please stop and wait a while.
Let me return to when I was a child.
Let me go back to those strong arms,
That held me close and kept me from harm.
Once again Lord, let me see that smile,
That seemed to be as wide as a mile.
But I know full well, it cannot be,
The past is gone, it's the present I see.
Tomorrow's not promised to us today.
But God has said He knows the way.
So, what would I do, what would I say,
If indeed time could stop, just for a day?

� 1999, Jerry Ham

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My mom passed away January 22, 2001.....she is whole again.

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  This beautiful set is from here